Brilliant English humour!

[martinemonster]

Just so all you asstards don't have to read everything I post, I've put this list of funny statements from tube-drivers behind a cut. But remember: if you don't read it, your dull! ;)


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay
to your service. I know you're all dying to get home,
unless, of course, you happen to be married to my
ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."


2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing
his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further
information as soon as I'm given any."


3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The
good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit
the town and had a great time. The bad news is that
there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."


4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay,
but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are
therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so
let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All
together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."


5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you
can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice
if they had actually told me, so I could tell you
earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".


6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT
encourage these professional beggars. If you have any
spare change, please give it to a registered charity.
Failing that, give it to me."


7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central
Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right
this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
unfortunately, towels are not provided."


8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see
if I care - I'm going home...."


9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse
this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are
distinct and separate instructions."


10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the
doors means that the doors are about to close. It does
not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."


11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand
stuck in the door."


12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying
to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand
clear of the doors' don't you understand?"


13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."
(Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the
doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the
man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there
and shove them up your a**e sideways!"


14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly
no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that
you pass it round the rest of the carriage."