I've realized what my problem is: I need a new image.
I have a tendency to create an image, or a persona, for myself. I then try to live up to that image and the extent to which I succeed in this determines how happy I am and how pleased I am with myself.
Yeah, I know, it's probably not healthy or good, but it's what I've been doing for so long.
For a good long time now, I've been the successful-young-woman-with-big-goals. The go-getter.
The person who manages to juggle jobs and school and organizations and everything and still look great doing it
'cause as you all know; smoking, drinking and wearing pants suits makes everyone look extra hot
. Then, I stopped managing to juggle everything, but I didn't manage to change the image. And that's where my problems started. My go-getter persona had a boyfriend, a job, an interesting field of study, a couple of organizations and a schedule to work out every once in a while. But the person I became had very little of that.
So I tried another image on for size. The young-working-sporty-woman-who-cares-
about-girly-stuff, the sporty one
It sorta worked. I tried (and failed) to quit smoking, started working out and buying shoes, and generally enjoyed the pleasure of doing a meaningless job for money. But then I managed to start smoking again, and I got terribly sick for 5 month which basically fucked up my plans to be a good worker and a sporty person. And to be completely honest, I didn't really like the sporty version anyways. I just wanted to lose weight.
When I went to America, I became the back-packer.
Ready to leave everything behind at the drop of a hat, wild and maybe a little bit crazy, driving across a country larger in size than Europe. Able to do anything. And I sorta fell in love with that persona. Part of me wanted to keep working, saving up money so I could continue traveling. Free of care I could go anywhere in the world, anytime, and be happy.
But somehow, when I moved back to Norway, the old version, the go-getter, snuck back in. And suddenly, I'm trying to find stuff to do outside of school so I won't seem like a slacker. Even though I'm not really a slacker. I read and do a lot of school work, in addition to making two larps at once. And I have a social life. When I came back I decided this should be enough, since doing too much makes me stressed and unhappy, but I keep looking for more, feeling inadequate because I'm doing so little.
So I need a new image. Something that will allow me to be happy with what I'm doing right now, and happy with myself while I'm doing it. Any ideas? Preferably it should have a nice catch-phrase and be able to hold it's own against the go-getter, a persona I'm used to and have managed to somehow put on default mode.
This icon is called "tinkerbell". I like her. I actually got my very first novelty mug from grimgram
with her face on it. It's awesome.